MOVIE REVIEWS by KING PAUL ARIUS
by
Paul Arius | Age: 28 | Allston, MA
This is a column devoted to movies Iíve seen over the course of my life. They are in no particular order, no categorical placement. My only reasoning behind placing them in this tiny space on the Internet, is so you, the reader, can be told what should be seen, and what should be ridiculed upon its being brought up at parties. You donít even have to mention that you havenít even seen them yet, you can just say things like, ìIíd rather have Courtney Love puke into my mouth before seeing that again!î and end the conversation. Youíll have my blessing. Without further ado, here are King Paul Ariusís quick movie blurbs:
Closer
Directed by Mike Nichols
Starring Natalie Portman, Jude Law, Julia Roberts, Clive Owen
After twenty minutes of this movie I wanted to cut my losses and shut it off. The characters were annoying, the relationships were contrived, and the story seemingly boring. Luckily, we kept it running and I was pleasantly surprised.
A story about two couples and their intertwined sexual relationships, Closer is a decent movie, but not great. The biggest problem lies in the set up. Given the conversations witnessed in the first twenty minutes, it is really hard to see how any of these people would have actually gotten together. With that said, once youíve let it go, itís easy to get sucked into the dynamic fucked-up-ness between the couples' relationships. Really cool stuff here.
Clive Owen, who delivers a wonderful performance as the funny/lovable/scary/pervy husband of Julia Roberts, impressed me the most. Natalie Portman was pretty good, but we never got to see her breasts, which totally sucked. Jude Law wasnít bad, and I hate Jude law. Julia Robertsóhow does she make 20 million a picture again?ówas adequate.
At the Swingers convention: I liked this movie, but thought something was missing. Now I remember... Natalie Portmanís naked boobs!
* * * * * * *
Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Directed by Doug Liman
Starring Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie
If this movie serves as the foundation on which Brad and Angelinaís relationship was built, this sexy couple is truly doomed. That house is not only sinking, but it lies over two cataclysmic fault lines, just inches above a sacred Indian burial ground. Man, this movie sucks.
* * * * * * *
Melinda and Melinda
Written and directed by Woody Allen
(Fox Searchlight, 2004)
The great Woody Allen has laid an egg. This movie is so pretentious and so boring, I actually found myself wandering into the kitchen three-quarters of the way through the movie to bake Nestle toll house cookies without even pausing the flick, forgetting that this man is one of my favorite directors of all time. The idea behind the movie is sound. Iím too lazy to write the premise, but since Woody was too lazy to write an amusing script after coming up with the creative premise, I donít feel too bad. On a good note, Will Ferrellís story line was somewhat funny, but not enough to make this movie worthwhile.
Line for your party: "Woody Allenís last great film was Mighty Aphrodite. After that thereís been some good films, some OK films, and then there was this. Melinda and Melinda was born in his brain, but shot out of his brown hole."
* * * * * * *
Kinsey
Written and Directed by Bill Condon
Starring Liam Neeson, Laura Linney
(Fox Searchlight, 2004)
This past summer my wife and I visited my dad on a rainy weekend at his summer shack. Naturally the only thing to do at night was to rent a movie from the local video store. After wandering around the store for about twenty minutes we still had nothing. Suddenly, I ran across Kinsey, which I had heard so many great things about, and presented the option to my dear old dad.
ìI donít know about watching Kinsey with my own son. It might be a little weird.î
All I can say after seeing it months later, alone with my wife, is ìThank you dad!î Dear lord, I could not think of a more uncomfortable, or potentially awkward movie viewing experience than watching Kinsey with one's old man. I can only imagine that hard-core pornography, snuff flicks, or bestiality videos would trump it, but not by much.
I must say though, the accolades and positive reviews this movie received were well deserved. A wonderful insight into the puritanical world of the 1940-50ís, Kinsey is a very enjoyable film about science, sexuality, and fighting the establishment.
The party line: A really good film, but just donít watch it with your parents or your children.
* * * * * * *
The 40 Year Old Virgin
Directed by Judd Apatow
Written by Judd Apatow & Steve Carell
(Universal, 2005)
I have a hard time placing movies into my top five (or ten for that matter) favorites of all time. Is The 40 Year Old Virgin one of my top 10 movies of all time? No. Is it in my top 10 comedies of all time? Quite possibly. A hysterical movie with great performances from all involved, I really wonít be able to answer this question for another few years. After leaving the theater though, I quickly began cycling through those whoíve made the list: Caddyshack, Kingpin, Sleeper, A New Leaf, The Jerk, and a handful of others. Now I need to strongly consider The 40 Year Old Virgin.
Steve Carell plays Andy Stitzer, that awkward, shy, strange weirdo from your workplace whom no one knows anything about. After being befriended by three sex-crazed coworkers, beautifully played by Paul Rudd, Romany Malco, and Seth Rogen, we ìdiscoverî Andyís little secret. The rest of the movie plays out as a well crafted teenage sex romp married to Swingers, with a little Something About Mary and Flirting with Disaster thrown in to boot. A true gem of a movie.
Cocktail quote: The 40 Year Old Virgin may need a few more years to crack the top 10 comedies of all time, but this film is truly the funniest of 2005.