FILM SCHOOL with KING PAUL ARIUS
by
Paul Arius | Age: 28 | Allston, MA
This is a column devoted to movies I've seen over the course of my life. They are in no particular order, no categorical placement. My only reasoning behind placing them in this tiny space on the Internet, is so you, the reader, can be told what should be seen, and what should be ridiculed upon its being brought up at parties. You don't even have to mention that you haven't even seen them yet, you can just say things like, "I'd rather have Courtney Love puke into my mouth before seeing that again!" and end the conversation. You'll have my blessing. Without further ado, here are King Paul Arius's quick movie blurbs:
Lord of War
Written and directed by Andrew Niccol
Starring Nicolas Cage, Ethan Hawk, Jared Leto
Gunrunners are downright awful people. They profit off the demise of humanity, bath in pools of blood soaked money, and feed on the misfortune of third world inhabitants. With that said, why was I celebrating the triumphs of such a low life in Lord of War?
Lord of War is a good movie. It conflicts the viewer in the same manner that any bank heist, prison break, or con-artist film tampers with the moral compass of a law abiding citizen. The reasonable, cognitive side of your brain knows you shouldn't root for the success of scoundrels, but the darker, entertainment-oriented piece of you is cheering their victory. This struggle takes place for almost all 122 minutes of Lord of War.
I will not pretend to know why this is. I'm sure there are a lot of theories out there. I just know what happened as I watched this film.
Other notes:
Nicolas Cage is good at points, awkward at other times, and probably could have been played by a bunch of other Hollywood actors, but nothing will ever take away from his brilliant performance in Moonstruck. For that I will never roast him too harshly.
Jared Leto plays a well-crafted cocaine addicted fucked up younger brother. (SPOILER ALERT) Though his demise at the end of the film was as predictable as the cliche cop who keeps talking about being two days from retirement. A low point in the film, but not enough to ruin the whole experience. (END OF SPOILER)
Ethan Hawk needs to start using whitening toothpaste. Seriously dude. I don't care if your playing a tough as nails cop, or some artsy-fartsy type. Those things are starting to look downright nasty. It's like $0.39 extra a tube. Take the plunge.
What to tell your college advisor/therapist/bar tender: "I just saw Lord of War. It's a good one. I think I might go into gun-running, but I'm a little conflicted."
* * * * * * *
Closer
Directed by Mike Nichols
Starring Natalie Portman, Jude Law, Julia Roberts, Clive Owen
After twenty minutes of this movie I wanted to cut my losses and shut it off. The characters were annoying, the relationships were contrived, and the story seemingly boring. Luckily, we kept it running and I was pleasantly surprised.
A story about two couples and their intertwined sexual relationships, Closer is a decent movie, but not great. The biggest problem lies in the set up. Given the conversations witnessed in the first twenty minutes, it is really hard to see how any of these people would have actually gotten together. With that said, once you've let it go, it's easy to get sucked into the dynamic fucked-up-ness between the couples' relationships. Really cool stuff here.
Clive Owen, who delivers a wonderful performance as the funny/lovable/scary/pervy husband of Julia Roberts, impressed me the most. Natalie Portman was pretty good, but we never got to see her breasts, which totally sucked. Jude Law wasn't bad, and I hate Jude law. Julia Roberts - how does she make 20 million a picture again? - was adequate.
At the Swingers convention: I liked this movie, but thought something was missing. Now I remember... Natalie Portman's naked boobs!
* * * * * * *
Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Directed by Doug Liman
Starring Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie
If this movie serves as the foundation on which Brad and Angelina's relationship was built, this sexy couple is truly doomed. That house is not only sinking, but it lies over two cataclysmic fault lines, just inches above a sacred Indian burial ground. Man, this movie sucks.
* * * * * * *
Melinda and Melinda
Written and directed by Woody Allen
(Fox Searchlight, 2004)
The great Woody Allen has laid an egg. This movie is so pretentious and so boring, I actually found myself wandering into the kitchen three-quarters of the way through the movie to bake Nestle Toll House cookies without even pausing the flick, forgetting that this man is one of my favorite directors of all time. The idea behind the movie is sound. I'm too lazy to write the premise, but since Woody was too lazy to write an amusing script after coming up with the creative premise, I don't feel too bad. On a good note, Will Ferrell's story line was somewhat funny, but not enough to make this movie worthwhile.
Line for your party: "Woody Allen's last great film was Mighty Aphrodite. After that there's been some good films, some OK films, and then there was this. Melinda and Melinda was born in his brain, but shot out of his brown hole."
* * * * * * *
Kinsey
Written and Directed by Bill Condon
Starring Liam Neeson, Laura Linney
(Fox Searchlight, 2004)
This past summer my wife and I visited my dad on a rainy weekend at his summer shack. Naturally the only thing to do at night was to rent a movie from the local video store. After wandering around the store for about twenty minutes we still had nothing. Suddenly, I ran across Kinsey, which I had heard so many great things about, and presented the option to my dear old dad.
"I donít know about watching Kinsey with my own son. It might be a little weird."
All I can say after seeing it months later, alone with my wife, is "Thank you dad!" Dear lord, I could not think of a more uncomfortable, or potentially awkward movie viewing experience than watching Kinsey with one's old man. I can only imagine that hard-core pornography, snuff flicks, or bestiality videos would trump it, but not by much.
I must say though, the accolades and positive reviews this movie received were well deserved. A wonderful insight into the puritanical world of the 1940-50's, Kinsey is a very enjoyable film about science, sexuality, and fighting the establishment.
The party line: A really good film, but just don't watch it with your parents or your children.
* * * * * * *
The 40 Year Old Virgin
Directed by Judd Apatow
Written by Judd Apatow & Steve Carell
(Universal, 2005)
I have a hard time placing movies into my top five (or ten for that matter) favorites of all time. Is The 40 Year Old Virgin one of my top 10 movies of all time? No. Is it in my top 10 comedies of all time? Quite possibly. A hysterical movie with great performances from all involved, I really won't be able to answer this question for another few years. After leaving the theater though, I quickly began cycling through those who've made the list: Caddyshack, Kingpin, Sleeper, A New Leaf, The Jerk, and a handful of others. Now I need to strongly consider The 40 Year Old Virgin.
Steve Carell plays Andy Stitzer, that awkward, shy, strange weirdo from your workplace whom no one knows anything about. After being befriended by three sex-crazed coworkers, beautifully played by Paul Rudd, Romany Malco, and Seth Rogen, we "discover" Andy's little secret. The rest of the movie plays out as a well crafted teenage sex romp married to Swingers, with a little Something About Mary and Flirting with Disaster thrown in to boot. A true gem of a movie.
Cocktail quote: The 40 Year Old Virgin may need a few more years to crack the top 10 comedies of all time, but this film is truly the funniest of 2005.